#IAmASurvivor- Patricia

#IAmASurvivor are stories from women of all walks of life, telling their stories of survival. Everybody is a survivor and all stories deserve to be told. These stories are all in their own words.

I am a Survivor!

When the question of what I have survived appeared, I thought about several situations. It sounds sad because how is it possible that a loving person as I am had to survive so many things?

While all these different pictures of situations came into my mind, one topic showed its face again and again. 

It was the ugly face of self-hate. Of not feeling worthy. Not only some self-conscious moments, as when you have a bad hair day or when your crush doesn't want you. 

No. Real worthlessness. 

And that's why I will tell you my story about how self-hate dominated many years of my life. The term "survive" is appropriate because self-hate can lead to suicide. And in my life, it nearly did.

So yes, I survived!

I grew up in a pleasant environment with a loving mother, and though my father was rather cold and distant, he loved me. 

I've always been a quite mature and maybe even serious child. Of course, I played and laughed a lot (much more today, though!), but I saw already the seriousness of life and that I don't belong in it. 

The feeling of not belonging to society and the world around me was omnipresent. Going to school made everything worse, every year that passed. 

At least my good memory helped me getting high grades though I tried to stay away from school as much as possible. 

Additionally, to the feeling of not belonging and feeling different, an immense feeling of not being good enough started rising.

By the time I was a teenager, I was dead sure that I am really different, and therefore everyone else is perfect and accepted, and I am not. 

No boy wanted to meet me, let alone kissing me. The other girls and boys seemed all so happy and full of life. They went out, had friends, and looked good. And I felt too fat, didn't have friends (or didn't want to meet anyone), and in a way, I was just waiting to get older and be an adult.

To illustrate what I'm talking about, I want to tell you some of the worst moments. Those are the ones that are still crystal clear in my mind and reflect the struggles I was going through.

I got diagnosed with depression at the age of 12. 

Twelve! I don't know if that's normal today, but when I was 12, all the other kids didn't even know what depression means! How sad that a child has to go through a depression instead of enjoying being a child.

So, at the age of twelve, the first culminate point had been achieved. I had to go to the psychologist (didn't help!), and I wasn't able to leave the house and go to school.

I felt more and more unworthy.

Some years later, the depression seemed gone. At least, that was what the doctors said. But the doctors aren't always right, then I remember lying in bed and talking to my mother. I told her that I don't want to wake up the following day. Killing myself was not an option as I didn't want to hurt her, but at the same time, I didn't want to live anymore. 

I told her: "I am not worthy of life! " 

Thinking about that moment in bed brings tears to my eyes. 

It is what I felt. I felt entirely unworthy. I told my mother that I have no worth, and therefore I'm not worthy of the most essential thing: living. 

Another memory comes to my mind. I just turned 18 when I was in my first relationship with a boy who was madly in love with me. Sounds great, right? Maybe it was, but I had still the same problems. And those problems led me to not wanting to leave the house. And here is the sad reason: I felt so incredibly ugly! And therefore unworthy. 

Besides that, I had these feelings, no one understood me because they loved me and saw the beauty and worth in me.

Later on, all the self-hate, insecurities and sadness involved drug abuse, destructive patterns like an eating disorder, and many many tears.

Tears still come when I remember all these situations though it happened many years ago. I would love to travel back in time and hug myself and tell her that she is perfect the way she is, and her differentness and sensitivity are her greatest gifts. 

All that belongs to the past, and I guess now you want to know how I overcame self-hate and how I started to feel worthy. 

Of course, it wasn't only one thing, moment, or encounter that helped me, but many aspects led me to who I am today: A strong, happy, and energetic woman.

It was a mix of talking to my mother and one or two other people. But mostly it was reading great books and develop the right tools to feel better. 

Positive affirmations, self-healing strategies, deep inner work, and a lot of patience dominated the last ten years. And I'm still working on myself, of course!

In the end all I mentioned above are the reasons why I'm doing what I am doing today. I write a blog to help people who don't feel as free and happy as they possibly could. Everyone can live a life worth living and to develop real self-love.

It was a long journey, and there have been more downs than ups, but in the end, I did it. 

I survived self-hate. 

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